this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
