my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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