I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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