i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
