I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I will pee on everything he values.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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