dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
