we're blogging at a bar
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
