There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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