I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
