If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
