new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
