I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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