i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drake has all the answers
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
