Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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