You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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