so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
