dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
