her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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