i jhust puked up my retainher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
