so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
