So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
