These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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