The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
