I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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