dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
