I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
