Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
