Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
operation have a gay friend backfired
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Let's paint friendship bongs
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
