I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize