so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
