there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
