it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Please don't give away my fajitas
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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