I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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