he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
