Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
