Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
