I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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