how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
