Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
