we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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