They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
