someone threw a dead crab at me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
