it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
