just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Your face is a jimmy john
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
