it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I need to align my fucking chakras
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