Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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