Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
