Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
