Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
