Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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