my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
