I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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