: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize