Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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