im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
