I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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