I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
