I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
